There’s a quote I love that says “God is up to something or the devil wouldn’t be fighting you this hard.”
I think God must be up to something really big, because it feels like the whole universe is against me.
My sixteen year old pushing boundaries, just being a teenager who wants to do things, and stay out late, but I feel like I have to put my foot down. She hates me and I hate that. It’s so hard to be hated. My mom used to give me the silent treatment – I remember it well. And I’m doing that to my own daughter. Funny how we repeat behaviors without even wanting to.
A few people in my close circle have made a few remarks in the last few weeks that have been quite hurtful. It’s been hard to let go of the negative energy that comes with it. It’s been a surprise to read or hear words spoken to you in a condescending, belittling way. So unnecessary.
I’m usually pretty good at shaking it off. This week has proven difficult. I feel like I’m being attacked at every angle and I can’t catch my breath.
I’ve taken all the remarks and comments to heart. It’s made me question who I am and what I’m doing. It’s made me doubt myself.
A recent conversation with a long time acquaintance brought up a moment in time I’d rather forget. Something so long ago, but the mention of it is like ripping open deep wounds, that had only finished healing.
It shook me to know that someone else, outside of MY CIRCLE knew that part of my story. The part where my husband and I had real struggles. The part where our marriage was being tested in a huge way.
I am so thankful for our struggles because I know I needed them to grow. It doesn’t make it easier to be reminded of it.
All these things coming at me and it’s been hard to keep my head above water. It’s been a struggle.
What do YOU do when life is coming at you? When it feels like the universe wants to destroy you?
I thought it would be fun to go to my favourite Zumba class. Sweat it out. All the built up frustrations. Safe place.
Good idea or a very bad one. I haven’t decided yet because I ended up leaving the class in tears. Not able to say goodbye to anyone.
All those doubts swirling in my head were brought to the surface as I tried to figure out some new dance moves, and remember the others. I tripped over my feet. I got frustrated. I watched the other girls in the class who were so good at all of it. They knew the moves ahead of the instructor. Which only amplified how I was feeling in that moment.
The build up of doubt. The negative comments. The feeling of inadequacy. The presumption I wasn’t capable of the simplest of things. Piled onto every other life event.
It was too much. Exercise is so therapeutic, but you’d better be ready for it, because it will take you down without warning.
I thought Zumba was my “safe space”. Where I didn’t have to deal with any of the “stuff” that was being thrown my way. Little did I know that an hour would bring it all to the surface in a healthy, “let it out, let it go” kind of way.
What’s worse, as I felt the tears start, I immediately started talking down to myself “Oh great, way to bring the energy down for the WHOLE CLASS. Nobody needs you to be the Debbie Downer”.
I’m known for being “positive”. Sometimes that title is too much to bear. Sometimes – even the ones who always seem so positive need to step away from that word and the enormity of it. And not be positive. Sometimes we need a safe space to just BE in the moment. Negative or sad or angry or all of the above. Without the pressure of being positive.
I thought I could take my mind off all the “stuff” with a few dance moves. I thought I could escape for an hour and not think about anything other than the words in the songs, and the direction of my feet.
But my struggles did not want to be contained. They did not want to be buried.
I danced. I struggled. I worked through it. And all the way home, I listened to a few songs to help me process all that I was feeling and it was so good.
Cyndi Lauper – True Colours. A reminder to keep being true to myself. Haters gonna hate hate hate.
Lauren Daigle – You Say. A reminder that even if those voices in my head tell me I’m not enough. Those lies that I will never measure up. I know that God sees me as perfect. He’s my strength. He’s my power. With Him I am enough.
So remember. If you feel like you are in the middle of the storm and it’s dark and you can’t see what’s coming, and the winds are strong and the rain keeps hitting your face – maybe something really big is coming your way and you’re just in the middle of another test.