“You’re such a difficult person to get along with.”
Those words were written in my grade eight yearbook by a teacher I really liked. A teacher I THOUGHT liked me. Those words have stuck with me to this day. At the time, I felt a bit crushed by the weight of them. It made me rethink everything about myself. Could I really not have known I was a difficult person? How could I change that? How could I be more “likeable”?
Words carry so much power. Looking back, I HOPE that it was meant as sarcasm. I HOPE she was being funny with her words, but to this day I worry about my likeability with every single person I meet and it may be one of the reasons I feel like I have to try harder to be liked. Which isn’t easy when you’re already shy and self-conscious.
Don’t we all, deep down, just want to be liked? Accepted? Valued? Seen?
A few things have happened in the last few weeks which have me questioning my worth. AGAIN. Sigh. I hate that it’s so easy to fall back into that people pleasing trap.
After my last blog, I got a message from someone who expressed they were sorry that everything was still so hard. “So sorry you have constant reminders of that horrible night”.
But…. I don’t. Do I? Is that what you think? Because of one blog? One Facebook post? Is that what you think?
It made me wonder “is this how you really see me?” Forever broken? But, I’m not. Am I? Someone else suggested I talk to someone, a therapist maybe, instead of sharing on social media. Because sometimes people don’t understand. Wow. My head was spinning.
My first thought was, I just wanted to disappear. My first reaction, delete all social media and remove myself from the world. STOP sharing. STOP allowing people to SEE ME that way. I did. But not for long.
It’s so easy to believe what other people say and think about you. But at the end of the day you have to remind yourself of your own truth. And remind yourself that what other people think of you is none of your business.
My truth? I am not living broken. I have BEEN broken. I have BEEN wounded. But it’s not who I AM. It’s not how I live.
We shouldn’t ever have to defend our feelings, thoughts, or emotions or feel that sharing our story and what broke us somehow defines us. It doesn’t.
Never doubt your worth. Never doubt how far you have come. Never doubt your true self. Never stop sharing your story with others. Your story just might help someone else and for that it’s all worth it.